A life of ignoble ease

"I wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life" How beautiful, I read these darling words yesterday by a man who has long passed from this earth...these words rang true, they resonated...like bells they tolled...
For I am ashamed to admit that as of late I have fallen into easy habits, petty entertainments, petty wants all used to dissipate time, a easy well worn slippery path to nowhere...twenty hours of online shopping and dramas on various channels a week...fleeting instantaneous rewards, that fail to, do not, can not feed the soul...and then yesterday I stumbled across those words, a rebuke on my entire lifestyle...it was a call to arms, to wake up, grow up and realise the ugly truth...that I was wasting my youth and life, pursuing unworthy pursuits like fashion, focused strictly on the external.
A few things that I will change are:
1) Procrastination - learn to stop
2) Exercise habits - dance, gym three times a week
3) Study habits - start learning meaningful things again
4) Setting goals - set my one year, three year and five year goal.
5) Meditation - meditate daily
6) Writing - start writing daily again
7) Creativity - spend time being creative, pursuing things that feed my soul

Living a worthwhile life

Living a worthwhile life, a goal that sounds mundane but which in my experience really is much harder than said to achieve. For starters what does a worthwhile life consist of? The thought keeps me awake at night.

Thin Skin and Thick Skin

As a child and being in possession of a shy temperament wary of strangers and new social situations my parents would often childe me with the phrase "you need to have a thicker skin". That is to have stronger armour against the vagaries of life, of other's opinions. The reason that this phrase has floated to the surface of my consciousness is because quite recently a dear friend mentioned that the reason why some men were more confident than others was because "they really didn't care that much" not because they were necessarily inherently better, wittier or more beautiful...but just simplistically because they cared less, had a thicker skin and therefore appeared more confident. Thinking about it, I have to agree ~

Insomnia and thoughts

My relationship with stimulants has never been good, my body is excessively sensitive and therefore consumption of coffee and tea after 1:00pm generally equates to insomnia for that night. It's almost a law of my nature, consume and suffer.
Last night I drank a glass of tall cool white tea lured by the prospect of instant coolness in the heat of summer and therefore, tossed and turned all last night to no avail...sleep remained elusive despite the numerous positions I assumed, the mental lockdowns I imposed - it all failed.
Cause and effect ~

Happiness is

Pondering existential questions tonight. Having no noise to fill the void in my life, no korean dramas to fawn over, no party to attend, no work related obligations...nothing really but my thoughts and this somewhat neglected blog tonight. The colour tonight is purple blue, pensive perhaps is the best description....I feel tired after the mad bad rush of the past few weeks, tired because of the insufficiency of sleep last night and tired of all the material possessions I have recently accumulated that despite their beautiful glossy expensive exteriors are completely unable to please me or provide buoyancy to my heavy mood. I could blame it on the city, after all Brisbane is hardly the most vibrant, exciting, place to lead a young life...but deep down I know that even in Shanghai, even in Rome, even in Paris in moments of quietness there was a heaviness of the spirit a lethargy. Thus the fear of being alone, the need to attend engagements, to mingle, laugh loudly, dance like a free mad young thing. Surely there is a rational answer to all this...maybe I need to spend 45 days in Italy eating and learning the language, study spirtuality in an Ashram in India and then find love in Bali...maybe that is all that I am missing.

Travels in China and thoughts

I have always felt rather ambivalent about Shanghai, I love the pace, the vibrancy, the old memories that always surface when I walk down familiar streets, the energy of the people and the sheer choice of course the restaurants, the shopping, the entertainment, all these things make this city special to me. At the same time, I hate the excessive consumerism, the rat racy money is everything attitude, the politics and the rudeness.
Putting my minor peevish gripes aside, my recent trip to Shanghai was filled with moments of thrills, experiences and happiness ~
Having herbal soup with my cousins at a specialty soup restaurant, walking through Zhong Shan park with my dad and watching all the old people dancing, exercising with fans, swords and playing badminton, eating happy lemon pearl milk tea, taking the super fast sub way, buying books on Huai Hai road ~

China

It has been an age since I last wrote, despite purchasing several note pads and having both the intention and the time ~ when one lacks the spark of motivation little alas gets done.

I have now been back for two weeks, although it feels longer...perhaps it is the tedium of settling into the humdrum routine of working, or living breathing in a small city, the lack of momentous events to mark the days, hours and minutes that have passed...the memory of China and the cities I visited seem but a most distant memory ~

My recent trip to China encompassed, Shanghai, Zhang Jia Jie, Tong Li and Hang Zhou. The central purpose was to attend the burial of my grandmother, who had passed away on the 7 June this year. Without extolling her virtues too much here, I will share one small story...when I was much younger I remenber mentioning in passing to her when I was staying over that I harboured a particular fondness for savoury chinese egg custard, and hence forth from that point on until I left for overseas again she cooked that dish for me despite the fact that she did not particularly like it...it is only a small story but I think it shows how selflessly she loves....

Regret is futile, but I do wish I had spent more time with her, been there for her, and cared for her better earlier this year....to have repaid somewhat the love, affection and kindness she had shown me before we lost her to the unyielding steadfast horror of dementia. I was incredibly lucky to have had her in my life ~

Singapore

Stopped over in Singapore recently while travelling through to Shanghai, 12 hours, sufficient to venture out and mingle and get a brief taste of the city country. We arrived at 5:30am Singapore time, and after trudging bleary eyed out of the plane, headed for City hall. As it was early yet and a Saturday, the streets were largely deserted but for a few industrial workmen finalising the roads for the F1 tournament to be held in Singapore in one week time. The air was hot and dense with moisture, almost as if you could wring water from it, a product of the deliberate forest fires that the government had systematically lit to reclaim land for development. Walking rather blindly, we saw a ferris wheel in the distance, and decided to make that our destination...meandering towards it everything was lush, green, reds, yellows, vibrant colours at every turn. The mamoth ferris wheel is meant to be the largest to date in the world, a contraption of metallic bolts and steel, and glass pods from which to view the city. Even when standing some distance off, I was unable to capture it in entirity with my camera.
We managed to secure a pod for ourselves, and looking down on the sleeping city sprawled beneath our feet.....I was simultaneously impressed and indifferent....by the bay littered with cargo liners docked at port, the mass construction ...the golden domed temples in the distance...the skyscrappers that are endemic in every modern city....somehow it nevertheless felt too clean, too sterile, too planned.

Recent photos

lazy sunday mornings

I love lazy sunday mornings. Waking up naturally. A slow breakfast with sufficient time to savour every morsel. A gentle light filtering in from the windows warming the room. Perfection ~

Old love

Was hurrying during my lunch break today, and as I was crossing a busy city street I saw an old couple walking in front of me. They were walking slowly in that shuffling gait that the elderly seem to commonly adopt, an old man and an old woman. Dressed modestly, their clothing was threadbare though neatly pressed. Slowly gingerly they shuffled forwards, the old man carefully directing the old woman, holding hands tightly, gently, tenderly, as if it was the two of them against the world...It was a touching sight, and added warmth to an otherwise cool spring afternoon.

Old songs and old memories

While I was updating my song library today, I uncovered in a forlorn CD case an old compilation that I had created in 2005 creatively named "Assorted Mix August 05", without much expectation and no anticipation, I impulsively placed it into my computer...and the melodies that rang out swept me off my feet, the memories that flooded back at the sound of those old songs that I had long forgotten but used to played repeatedly over and over again, it was like a siren call, instant, irresistable.... pulling me back to a younger, less self assured, less wordly self....to long hours pouring over uni books and assignments...innocence...frivolous loves and mild obsessions over anime and a tall tanned boy, persimmons and white writing paper and questions like what is the meaning of life...

Niceties and Users

What is the appropriate course of action where a person who usually rebuffs all your offers of friendship suddenly comes knocking seeking your assistance?
Showing them the door before they can utter another word is surely the most satisfying response, and yet the niceties of society, manners and the prospect of future repercussions seem to suggest a more moderate response should be adopted.
For a change, I actually followed my impulses and said no. Speaking to my mother though, she was of the persuasion that assistance should be rendered....

Darkness and Light

Was thinking of my babblings online recently and realised that my musings have been hopelessly serious and dark as of late, perhaps reflective of my inner turmoil and the semi difficult phase that I had been passing through. But with the advent of spring, more sunshine and happier things as of late, I think a lighter focus is more than overdue.
Regarding the latest entry concerning letting go, failed miserably and was swayed by a phone call, only to be reminded two days later of all that was wrong with that particular flirtation/non relationship...need to stop being so VISCERAL! Also farewell and farewell to that particular chapter.

Time

Time is the great equaliser. Irrespective of whether you are a king or a pauper...a lifetime...is all that one will receive......and in that lifetime, you will flourish, mature and eventually decay....There is an unfortuneate inevitability about it all...ordained as it is by our physiological makeup, determined before we were conceived...immutable, unmovable, certain.
And within that lifetime, the ability to dream, hope, love, laugh, enjoy, achieve, and bring happiness or ugliness, despair, hatred and bleakness to this world is within our control...it is a great power...something that gets forgotten in the daily grind, when you are feeling irritable, or snappy, or bored...
Will try to be kinder tomorrow ~

When over really means over

Sometimes a decision really has to be made, to say that over really means over. Although it may be tempting to hold on, to have that safety net of illusion cushion you from the harsh reality, that it is really back to the drawing board, square one again. Enough really is enough, when you know for a while that something is not right, that it's not so suitable, then it is better to make a clean break... As it has previously been said, only when you let go of something can your hand grasp something new.

So I guess this is a public declaration, a manifestation of my decision for which I am holding myself accountable.

Photography

I have recently taken up photography in earnest, after thinking and talking excessively about it, for what seems like forever. I find it focuses my attention and helps me realise, see and appreciate all the beautiful things around me. Live in the moment a little bit more. This is a photography of my dog Edvard, here in a rather unusal moment he looks rather world weary, serious and I think wolfish.

The virtues

Recently, while I was wasting time randomly flicking through Youtube channels, I came across a series of lectures on philosophy from the virtual university, the focus was on stoicism and Marcus Aurelius in particular, although other philosophers were also mentioned.
I had on previous occasion encountered the name before, it was however always peripheral...a quote here a mention there, shadowy fragments that did not really arrest my attention. It wasn't until I watched the lectures, that I realised what a giant he was.
Here was a man who was emperor of the greatest wealthiest empire in ancient times and as a result of his position, he held in reality dominion over the lives of millions, owned everything and wielded absolute unfettered power...imagine if you will... a man for whom every whim can be satisfied, for whom society's laws and rules did not apply, who could have and do anything he pretty damn well pleased, and yet he was virtuous, he was kind, temperate, patient and just......
The philosophy that Marcus Aurelius subscribed to was stoicism. Stoicism provides a way of life that emphasises self control, strength of character, fortitude and moral responsibility. For Stoics virtue is enough, all else is subservient...Another interesting element of Stoicism is that its concern is with one self, controlling your actions and thoughts so as to lead a virtuous life.

The principles of philosopher brings to mind a poem I read as a child:

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.

I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.

When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

Stoicism focus on changing oneself so as to be the best that one can be...realising the potential within... not so much for the grander purposes of changing the world but instead because to do less would be to lead a wasted, not fully human life.

A link to a man who is much more eloquent and knows the subject much better than I is attached below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLD09Qa3kMk

Responsibility and desire

One part of growing up is the responsibility that comes part and parcel with it...and the realisation that our lives are not ours alone. Instead as unromatic as this may sound, it belongs also to our parents and to a lesser extent our loved ones. Therefore our will and the ties that bind are like a rubber band, force and reaction...we may push for freedom, for complete stewardship of our lives according to our desires and whims (albeit within society's rules and regulations) but diametrically opposed are the demands, needs and expectations of those who have loved us all our lives. Often conflicting, contradictory...although in certain cases the rubber band may be loose, and permit a fleeting illusion of complete freedom but nevertheless the pull remains reminding us of our responsibilities, not always overt, often subtle, often covert....shaping, influencing altering our paths.

Awkward

I recently suffered a very awkward conversation sitting in a car driving home at 11pm, on a scale of one to ten it would probably qualify as a 8.46, definately in the red the I would like to erase that memory forever degree of awkwardness. It was perhaps the topic, it was perhaps the occassion. Without being overly dramatic, at the best of times I fear I am a rather awkward conversationalist, lacking the naturalness and warmth that my other friends just seem to exude in grand abundance. Rather like Paul Rudd's character in " I love you man" I say random things, prolong uncomfortable silences, seem to have a different rather different conversation tempo and I really have to try to be engaging. Without delving into the literature on EQ, and all the psychology of being an only Asian child. Musing about it, I really think it comes down to an eagerness to being agreeable, which I often lack, add to that the fact that I tend to be rather reserved in my social interactions and combined you have disaster... sigh..

Simple Pleasures

Purchased pillows, pillow cases, and wool underlay recently for winter, snuggling in it felt like bliss and happiness, and joy and contentment all rolled up into one.

Singing Karaoke at the top of my lungs in a nondescript parlor and dancing terribly, made me smile, made me feel free and very young and so alive.

Weathered man

I took the shuttle bus from my apartment to the Airport today, and was introduced to our bus driver. A rather nondescript man in his mid forties, hair laced with silver, back bent. He was wearing a well loved, somewhat faded blue flannel vest, it suited him, it seemed almost like an extension of him. He smiled as he helped me with my bags, his movements were slow and rather laboured. He looked like a dad, friendly eyes, framed generously by a littering of crows feet, souvenirs from a life of laughing, a life well lived. His arms were thick and sturdy, moulded into that shape by hard manual work. It was to him perhaps just another uneventful day, going about his work, ploddingly, diligently, uncomplainingly, showing strangers a kindness here, a courtesy there. There was a quiet dignity to it all that rather touched me ~

Leaving on a jet plane

I have just spent the last one hour and a half packing my posessions, one suitcase of clothing to last me for a month despite the fact that I will only be away briefly, nine days really. Looking at my sated, full suitcase a small tingle of excitement runs up my spine, an anticipation of adventure, for new experiences, places, unfamiliar faces. It makes me smile. Although Sydney as a location is perhaps not so exotic, nevertheless an escape of any kind is exactly what I need right now ~

Youth is wasted on the young

Youth is wasted on the young, how familiar a phrase, how true a phrase... I have only started to appreciate the inherent, perceptiveness in that statement, and admittedly it rather frightens me. Looking back on the three months past, what has my time really being spent on, apart from the necessity of working, a careful examination really reveals a most half hearted and abortive attempt at living out a fulfilling life. Several attempts were made at exercising regularly, given up at the initial stages after the onset of shorter days, promises were made to read certain books necessary for mental development, which were delayed, and then delayed further. Intentions were formed of spending more time with parents, of pursuing worthwhile pursuits such as arts, investments, and yet and yet and yet nothing has been realised... Instead, I have allowed everything to sidetrack me, distract me, made every excuse to procrastinate. Sigh, it is not so much that I do not know how to lead a better life, but the inertia of starting and maintaining it ~ Which brings me back to the phrase...having being gifted so casually, with health, youth, time....perhaps that is why I do not value its true weight, and worth.

Clearance

I went through my possessions today, not everything, just one small category (accessories) in anticipation for the garage sale that my family is thinking of holding this upcoming weekend. Dutifully this morning, I opened my various jewellery boxes and went through one by one the pieces that I had, pieces that I had accumulated in my brief lifetime. Things that I had loved and locked away and forgotten about, and other things that I had purchased, just because at that moment in time the thrill of consumption and materialistic possession overwhelmed my sanity. Laying the items out, it occupied the space of my entire bed, covered completely by sparkley baubles, shiny metallic things, pins of every description, brooches, headbands.... As I laid it out, a weariness descended upon me, perhaps because it was stark, harsh evidence of the things that have so captivated me and robbed me of time that would have been spent infinitely better elsewhere, perhaps it was the sheer degree of the excess and decadence...the pure insatiable insanity of believing that I needed more when I already had so much. Looking with despair at it all, I was reminded of the black nameless thing in Hayao Miyazaki's Spirited Away, always eating eating eating, unable to stop, despite the fact that it was being made sick by what it had eaten. Naturally I am being melodramatic, but I do need to reassess my consumption patterns.

The beginning

Beginnings are interesting. Sometimes they arise from pure serendipity, a roll of the dice of fate, sometimes they are manufactured as a result of acts or omissions, sometimes they are premeditated, scripted and planned, and sometimes it seems while longing for something with every fibre of your being...provenance steps in and grants your wish ~